Okay ... so I lied

My guard wasn't up. Dammit !!!

My Birth Father

I've talked a lot about my birth mother and not much about my birth father. So I dedicate this post to the best man in my life.

I found my Dad in the spring of 1999 through Classmates.com ... an awesome sight for reunions. I have found so much through them, its worth the cost of the membership for everything they have given me. When you find someone you know, you write them a note and Classmates.com will send it in an email to that person for you. In the subject line, I put the name of my birth mother. I knew if he were the person I was looking for, he would write back. And he did, very enthusiatically ... no denying it Dad, I still have the emails. I used a little trickery to find out if he was actually the person I was looking for. As soon as I figured out he was my birth father, I told him who I was.

There was no apparent shock, no question in his mind (at least not towards me) ... he welcomed me into his life immediately. He called me all the time, which I just loved. We got to know each other pretty well when we decided to meet.

My daughter and I spent five days in Texas with him and his now wife. I never had a father in my life, and it was a bit different for me. But he was wonderful ... he treated me like a queen.

He has never been hesitant about his paternity. He never asked "are you sure?" We did finally have a paternity test about a year after I went to Texas, and he is definately my Dad.

He told me about the times that he and my birth mother had together. It was very nice to hear him talk about her in such a nice manner, I can tell he really loved her.

So when I called him to tell him that I found my birth mother, he was so very happy for me. I think he likes reminiscing about her, his memories are sweet.

Thank you Dad, for giving me the gift of life and for being my Dad ... I love you

Pot Pourri

I talked to a very dear old friend last night. She knew me when. When I was thin, when I was full of myself, and when I was not self conscience about my body. She was also there when I started my search for my birth mother. At the end of the conversation, I told her about my blog, so she's going to be coming here soon to read it. HI A ... 3 !!! Thank you so much for your support and kind words.

Today will be the first time this week that I won't call my mother. Which is fine ... I put the ball into her court. I told her to call me when she was ready. I'm waiting for that phone to ring. I don't think she will call soon. Not because she's taking time to think, not because she would be avoiding me, but because she will find it hard to do so.

I have my guard up still ... I'm not allowing any feelings to come forth. I need direct confirmation from her that she is going to stay in my life. She hasn't really come out and said anything, but what she has said has me believing.

My Dad is estatic. He has been so wonderful during all of this. Imagine me, thinking that he'd be jealous because maybe my mother would take some of my attention away from him. I'm glad he doesn't think that way, because I love him dearly and nothing can take me away.

I love the fact that both my mother and my Dad have warm memories for each other. That makes me feel better. I accepted that I was a product of an affair, so it didn't bother me. But its much nicer to know that they truly cared for each other.

I think I'm going to meet her around Thanksgiving. That sounds like a perfect time for me. She likes that idea as well. Gives us a bit of time to collect our thoughts. However, it also gives her enough time to change her mind.

I talked to her ...

Out of respect to my mother, I am not going to talk about what we talked about.

So I will talk about my feelings only.

I never had high expectations. One one level my expectations were exeeded. One another level, it was just about what I thought it would be like. I expected total rejection from my mother. As of right now, I don't think that is going to happen. She wants me to continue to call, but give her a while to let this all sink in. I can do that.

I feel such a sense of calm. Like all is right with my world. I told my sister today that I feel complete. That "hole" has been filled. If it ended right now, I would be satisfied. Its not what I want though. I want her in my life.

So much so that I want her to move where I live. My g/f's mother lives in an apartment complex for elderly and disabled. That would be perfect for her. It is also subsidized ... and thats perfect for her income. I don't know if she'd ever go for it, and I am not going to ask yet. I think I'll give her little tidbits of information and let her get interested before I pop the big question.

When we hung up I had a warm feeling. I feel really good about this.

Much better than last night. She didn't answer the phone at all, and I began to think she was avoiding me. Today, I don't have that feeling. I believe she wants me in her life.

I didn't ask if she wanted Tony in her life, but it sounded like it. I hope so, he's such a good guy. I am very lucky to have a brother like him.

I've rambled enough ... take care all :-)

So TOTALLY off topic

HAPPY NEWS !!!

Maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse. Who knows ... all I know is right now, I'm not sure how I'm feeling. No ... it has nothing to do with the surgery, this is off topic, remember?

I got an email today from a website called "Who-Me.com". Well, let me back up a bit. For those of you who don't know, I'm adopted. I was relinquished at birth. When I turned 18, I started searching for my birth mother. Along the way, I have found a brother, then a sister, then a birth father, he had a son and daughter, I found an uncle ... who then multiplied to 3 uncles. But after 22 years, my birthmother has been elusive. I have always remained two steps behind her. I would think I found her, but then she was gone. I thought she was avoiding being found.

I registered at many reunion registries over the years, and still get updates from a few of them. One of them "Who-Me" usually just says ignore this email and your registry will stay the same. So that's what I've always done. I've even resorted to deleting them before I read them. Which is what I was going to do today when I received this one. Something told me not to. I opened it up and and was so shocked. My office chair is on wheels. I pushed myself from my desk and looked and looked at the email. I couldn't believe my eyes. My birthmother had written me. OMMFG !!!

I can't tell you the emotions that flooded me at that moment. She contacted ME ... I didn't have to contact her. Does that mean there will be no rejection?

Hmmmmmm ... one thing. She relinquished 3 children. Two of which, my brother, Tony and sister, Ramona, have the same father, the one she was married to. I had a different father. She wrote to me as if I were Ramona. I emailed her back with a few lines, not sure what I wrote now. But I told her I wasn't Ramona. The next thing I need to tell her about Ramona, is that she died in 2001.

I am anxiously awaiting a phone call, email ... SOMETHING !!!

My head is spinning ...

She promised new posts ... but there are no new posts

I know I promised all I have written that I am giving to my doctor. I still may, however the steam is out of my sails for now. I need to sit back and regroup for a bit, and then maybe you'll see into the depths of my soul again. For now though, I think I need to take a break from all this brutal honesty. It wouldn't be so bad, but a lot of these things, I just started saying to myself ... much less the internet community.

So, for now ... we are talking raccoons !!! For those who don't know, we had two raccoons named Frick and Frack. They came around every week or so to ask for food. I was sooo resistant at first ... but how can you refuse such adorable faces !!! Well, Frack disappeared and Frick was the only one coming around. So my daughter wanted to change the lone coonies name to Izzy.

Izzy came around every few days and I started to get worried that she wasn't taking the time to forage for herself so I stopped feeding her. Well, did I get kicked in the face with that one cuz she showed up with Dizzy ... who couldn't have been more than 8 weeks old. So of course I'm feeding Izzy, she's got a baby to feed. Dizzy was so cute trying to balance on his hind feet while eating with his front.

About a month later ... Izzy and Dizzy brought Lizzy, Tizzy and Bizzy. WOW !!! We started feeding all of them ... how could you refuse such cute mini faces !!!

So a few days ago I found Gizzy (like Gizmo) ... there were FIVE babies. Wow ... what a treat.

My intelligent side (which is small by comparison to these raccoons) told me to not feed them everytime they showed up. They were asking for food just about every day by now. That created two thought process ... one) Izzy isn't showing them how to forage, and thats very important, cuz I'm not feeding these guys everyday for the rest of their lives. And 2) Izzy had 5 raccoons ... what if each of these raccoons had 5 raccoons, and each of those 5 raccoons had 5 raccoons ... how many raccoons will I be feeding in 5 years time???

Okay, you don't have to do the math ... all the variables aren't there anyways. But you get my point.

I did real well with my plan ... they weren't fed for two days. They weren't supposed to be fed last night either. However, I had my kitchen window open. My kitchen window is drawn by gravity, so I must put something under the window to brace it open ... about a two inch opening.

I was cooking dinner when I turn around and there are little babies staring through my window. How could I resist !!! They were so cute !!! So I put little tiny piles of food on my window sill. Now some may think this is over the top, and I guess I do too. But it was fun for the time being.

Those faces ...

That's what sticks out at me the most I think. They have so many expressions, but only one. There isn't much movement to them at all. They have the fed me, I'm pathetic and starving look. They have the inquisitive look. They have a shocked look. They have a beat feet look. All with one expression.

Each one has their own personalities. There are two smallest raccoons ... one is very timid, the other one is more aggressive, but still intimidated by the biggest two raccoons. The biggest two raccoons are pretty aggressive. They will even push Izzy aside and won't let her eat. The middle one has the middle child syndrome. I'm not kidding. It is off on its own and belongs to no group except momma.

Enough on coonies for now ...

Maybe next time we'll take about our bears ...

or worse ...

The DEER ...

I fear the deer more than the bear ...

I'VE BEEN TAGGED !!!

My very first tag ... see me dancing around the room !!! I now feel like I'm in the circle of bloggers !!!

For those of you who don't know what tagging is, someone gives you a list of questions to answer, you answer them, and then you send off the tag to someone else. I don't have many bloggers that read this, so I only have one person to tag ... HI HOLLY !!! Its YOU !!!

1. Name 4 Jobs that I've had:

a. pizza cook ... yup I can toss those babies in the air !!!
b. manager of 7-11 store ... craziest job ever ... but I'd do it again.
c. sous chef ... 5 star restaurant, I was the oyster chef
d. owner/fitness center

2. Name 4 movies I've watched over and over:

a. Wizard of Oz ... its the only thing that kept my toddler daughter busy while I did chores around the house.
b. Karate Kid 1 & 2 ... just LOVE, LOVE, LOVE those movies
c. Star Wars ... I was in 6th grade when the first one came out, I was hooked
d. I can't think of a 4th one, so b is now b and c, and c is now d.

3. Name 4 favorite foods:

a. Pizza
b. Pizza
c. Pizza
d. Pizza ... need I say more !!!

4. Name 4 places I have lived:

a. California
b. Washington
c. California
d. Washington

5. Name 4 places I'd rather be right now: (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER OF IMPORTANCE!!!)

a. Houston, Texas
b. Marysville, WA
c. Halifax, Nova Scotia
d. in the hopsital getting my surgery !!!

6. Name 4 places I've gone to on vacation:

a. Texas
b. Montana
c. Idaho
d. California

Wooooo hooooo !!! Still loving the fact I got tagged ... thanks jeneflower !!!

What I expect from Surgery

Barring all complications, and after post-op recovery, I expect to lose all my excess weight. I expect that after I lose the weight, my heart won’t have to work as hard and will stop racing. I expect to be able to manage my Diabetes. I expect to be able to return to my work out routine. I expect to be able to take walks on the beach with my daughter. I expect to increase my life span. I expect to feel like a different person. I expect my outlook on life will drastically change. I expect I won’t feel tired all the time. I expect I won’t feel like my life is doomed. I expect my self esteem to rise. I expect to be able to look at myself in the mirror.

Stay tuned for a PSA !!!

So I've established I live in a small remote town. Nothing stays quiet here for long, mostly everyone knows everyone else's business.

About 8 or 9 years ago, a very Promenient Member of our Society (henceforth, she will be called PMS--you don't know how well that fits) had WLS. Like most who are considering WLS, the news stays within a close circle of people. You don't announce it to many people. PMS was the same way, she told no one. Not until about one and a half years after her surgery. Plus she was also telling people she did this on her own.

There have been critics throughout her whole coming out and even this long afterwards. I was amongst those critics. I didn't understand WLS and all I knew was that the stomach stapling of yesteryear was very dangerous, so why would she do this.

I come to work early in the morning, its still dark outside, and I see PMS sprint walking down the main drag. She has lost ALOT of weight ... she's gotta be half the person she was.

So what's my point? ...

PMS didn't tell anyone, it was a big secret.

I now understand why. There is shame wrapped all around this. You've already got a self esteem issue because of the weight. You may feel invisible, but boy EVERYONE sees how big you are. You don't feel like telling anyone because then you would have to explain what WLS is, how its used as a TOOL, not a quick fix, and definately NOT the easy way out. So I understand now, why PMS didn't tell everyone. Because when she finally did come forward with it, people laughed at her for it. Not to her face, of course.

PMS told everyone she lost weight on her own.

For the most part, that is very true. She utilized a tool that was given her, and she stuck to the program and lost a great deal of weight. That meant, she could only eat her food in tiny tiny bites, and chew it until it was pureed in her mouth and then try to swallow it without it clogging up the small hole it needs to travel through. She had to eat mostly ALL protein, and could no longer have the foods of pleasure. Because now the foods of pleasure create a "dumping" syndrome and there's no pleasure in dumping. She also had to bust her a$$ in the gym to help her body metabolize what she did eat, so she could fit a few more slight ounces into her body. There is something called "head hunger" where, if you are satisfied by two bites of something, your head and heart are longing for more cuz it tastes so damn good. But if you take another bite there will be severe pain because now your pouch (what is left of your stomach after WLS) is overstuffed and the food has nowhere to go. What do you do for relief of this horrible pain do you ask??? You run to the nearest porcelian god and pray to it. Did anyone do any of this for her??? NOPE ... she did it on her own.

So I beg of you ... no matter how much you dislike Miss PMS, don't dis her for making herself healthy. Don't dis her for putting her life at risk by having WLS. She did this so she could live life just like everyone else.

Now she can:

Fasten her seatbelt
Move her seat closer to the steering wheel
Not have an extender seatbelt on a plane
Walk into a room and have everyone gasp at how good she looks instead of how fat she is
Hold her head up high
Feel like a part of the crowd
Run
Sports
Walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like her lungs are going to collapse/explode
Not have pain in her feet, knees, back
Not have diabetes, high blood pressure, or anyother co-morbidities

PMS took a huge risk and she came out fine.

I want to be just like PMS ... that bitch has everything.

Drastic times calls for drastic measures ...

Having WLS is a drastic measure. And I don’t see it as a magic fix to my problem. There are many stories of hardship along this journey and it is anything but easy. There are so many little things that can go wrong, and so many people go back under the knife to correct something that happened. Hernias happen a lot because when you lose a lot of fat, there is a gaping hole, and its easy for something to break free through that.

There are three disciplines that you need to stick to after the surgery.

1. Protein-a high protein intake (anywhere from 40-60g) each day.
2. Water-64oz of it !!!
3. Exercise-the more you exercise, the faster the weight will come off, and the toner you’ll be.

There are some things you have to really avoid with your diet, for
two reasons. 1) you want the weight to come off, and 2) I keep
hearing this awful term called “dumping”. (there is a WLS dictionary link on my sidebar, you can look up dumping in that.)


Since I work at a fitness center, so I have the ability to work out a lot. And, I don’t mind the foods that I will have to eat to keep my protein levels up. However, I’m not to keen on fish. I made myself some fish the other day, and it stayed with me for the next two days. AND … anyone who knows me knows I love water, and I drink about 80 oz a day.

However, I’ve read some stories from people who loved water before the surgery but were unable to drink it afterwards. And if they were able to drink it, they weren’t drinking enough. I am so hoping I’m not one of those people.

What I expect my life to be like without surgery

This is another letter that I wrote my doctor. I'm glad that I'm posting these, it gives me a chance to reread them and make a few alterations.

A little aside ...

HI Jessie from Australia, thank you for writing. I left you a response in the comments section that you posted in.


What I expect my life to be like without the surgery.
I feel each year, I slow down a bit more. I fear in a few years, I will be in one of those scooter chairs I see on television.

Right now, my ankles get really swollen. Sometimes it spreads into my calves. My feet are small and they’re holding up all this extra weight. When I was skinny, I had a friend that would say, “your feet are so small, I’m amazed that you don’t fall flat on your face, what’s holding you up”? I used to laugh at that. Now I’m wondering how my feet are holding me up. My bones feel loose in my feet, like they’re ready to pop, like you would pop your knuckles on your fingers. I’m not sure how much longer my feet will be willing to hold me up.

Which means I feel that I will slow down much more than I am now. I’ve seen reports of people getting so obese that they have to be lifted out of the house with a crane in order to be taken to the hospital. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to that point, but the thought scares me.

My lower back is bowing towards my stomach, and I have a bulging disk in my lower back. Sitting for any length of time hurts, standing for any length of time hurts, and forget laying straight out with out my knees bent. I’m not sure how much longer my back is willing to hold out.

My stomach looks like I’m pregnant. With my back bowing inward, it makes me waddle. That, combined with the way my stomach looks, I think I look pregnant. I try to stand upright, and I can’t anymore. When I lean my back against the wall, I can fit my arm between the wall and my back with ease.

I don’t suppose living the way I believe my life is going will be beneficial to my daughter and her growth as a young woman. I need to be there for her to teach her how to make it in the world. If I continue like this, I have to teach her how to make it in the world without me.

I believe if I’m not dead in 10 years, I will be totally incapacitated. I won’t be able to take care of my hygiene, feeding myself or even changing my clothes. I would need someone to take care of me.

SIDEBAR:
I know that sounds drastic. Believe me, I will do anything I can to guard against becoming an invalid. I’m not sure how well my body will stand up for the battle though. I am beginning to see how the people I was referring to earlier in this post get to the point they are. I’m sure they didn’t do it on purpose. Its like you wake up one day, and you’re like this.

Discouraging news

I live in a small remote town, and we've had problems keeping doctors at our medical clinic. For almost a year, there was one doctor and it would take months to get an appointment. My doctor left the clinic and opened his own clinic. However, there was this stipulation that he had to wait three months before he could start his practice. He finally opened his practice and things were good. Today, I get a letter in the mail.

*****

Dear Friends and Patients,

Thank you for your patronage and support for me in my clinic over the past few months. I've enjoyed working with you here at the ***** medical building and I had hoped to be able to build a successful, thriving practice here. Unfortunatley, the business has not grown as I would have liked and now it is time to make some very difficult decisions.

I have been offered a contract to work for the government as a civilian physician on a military base. Our nations' ongoing military efforts has meant that many of our military personnel -- including military doctors-- are now deployed to overseas areas and the government is hiring civilian doctors to fill in for the military physicians who are now deployed. This is an attractive and lucrative offer and one that I can't pass up at this time.

I will be available to treat your medical needs until September 6th and I will be available by phone to tie up any loose ends after that. If you need to reach me after September 6th, please talk to .....

Once again, thanks, and I will miss all of you.

*****

My appointment WAS for the 5th, so I am cancelling that. I need a doctor for the duration of my journey. Although I know he needs to provide for his family and I'm happy for him, I sure feel like I'm being abandoned.

So now I have to establish myself as a patient with some new doctor in town. One that I haven't seen before, and I am kind of upset about this. He doesn't know me, he doesn't know that I'm not some fat slob taking the easy way out. My doctor knew me, knew I wasn't just sitting around eating bon bons (I actually don't like those).

My new appointment is September 19th, which sets my whole process back a couple weeks. Wish me luck with my new doctor ... I hope he can fulfill my needs.

SIDE BAR:

Okay, I'm getting some hits from people I don't know from other places ... please leave a comment and let me know who you are and how you were directed to my blog. I haven't gotten many comments yet, and its like getting a package in the mail when I get one.

A bit off track

My intention is to post all the information in the dossier I made for my doctor. But today its going to be a little bit different. I didn't put this in my dossier, but I think I should.

I've been reading all these stories about Lap Band and RNY. Now Lap Band is an insicion and a band to close off part of your stomach, but everything is all intact still. With RNY, the one I'm going for, hopefully laproscopically, they seperate a part of your stomach out and create a pouch that holds 3 oz. Then they rearrange your intestines so they work with the pouch because the main part of the stomach no longer is in use.

I've known this since pretty much the beginning. I wanted to know what I was up against. So I'm thinking about all of this these last couple days as I'm reading these stories. I'm not only reading success stories, but I'm reading all of them. I have to understand what I'm getting into here.

My digestive system is going to be completely overhauled. I knew this, but it was really hitting me yesterday and today. I know my life is going to change forever, and I'm not having second thoughts. I am just freaking out a bit about what they're actually going to be doing to my insides.

I was reading statistics that after 10 years, most people gain back the weight. However, those are people who've had the older type of surgeries. WLS has come far in the last 10 years. Enough time hasn't past to create statistics for the newer WLS patients.

I have no problem eating right. If I'm full, I can't eat more anyway. I'm just not sure how my "hungry brain" is going to feel when I've only eaten a couple bites and I'm done. I guess it will take time to get used to.

The exercise part will be a piece of cake to keep up. I have a gym at my disposal, so I'm not hurting there. I'm home schooling my daughter, and she's my motivating factor behind all of this, so her and I can work out together. She loves doing that with me.

So the part I've been concentrating on lately is the ripping and glueing of my stomach and intestines. I know that's a gruesome way of putting it, but that's how its feeling at this moment. I'm thinking I have to go through this though, to fully understand the scope of what I'm doing. So its not scaring me outta this surgery idea, but just a process that I need to go through.

Its making me kind of emotional lately. I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you yet Holly, but the thoughts and appreciation of your comments are there. Thank you so much for your kind words.

A little sidebar about my daughter:

She left such nice comments about the pictures of me. The last paragraph of my last post, she said brought tears to her eyes. When she said that, it was so hard for me to keep my tears from flowing.

So you know what she did? She made plans for us last night. Big plans. We were to sing, and dance and be a duet, have a concert as she calls it. She made these microphones, they are just too cool. She told me, since you don't feel like going out, we can do this inside. We can do something fun together, just the two of us. I was all for it ... she is such a sweet kid.

However, she got a phone call and she spent the night at her friends house instead, so we're going to do it tonight. You know how kids are at that age, her friends are more important. But that's okay, we'll have fun tonight.