My Mom ...

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving with lots of love and family around.

The distance I had to travel to get to my Mom's on the way down there was about 400 miles. It was the most grueling drive I've ever had. I'd driven longer distances before, however, not in such conditions. It was raining hard, so there was a lot of water on the freeway, which created a lot of spray. The freeway was bumper to bumper the way down there. So instead of going the 65 mph I wanted to drive, it was mostly anywhere between 25 and 40 mph most of the way down. I had to take two detours, one that took me a bit out of my way, the other took me a while to find it, but was great once I did. It took me almost 10.5 hours to get there.

The drive home was pretty much uneventful. It took 7 hours to get home, that tells you how trecherous the drive down was. The only thing noteable about the drive back was the flash flood that I got stuck in. Here we all were, going merrily down the freeway at 55 mph. It was raining, but nothing too spectacular. Then the heavens opened up and torrents of rain came down. The windshield wipers couldn't work fast enough, and visibility was nil. ABSOLUTELY nil. I slowed down, and I'm sure everyone else did. Many things go through your mind at a time like that. Mostly fear. Do I pull off to the side of the road? What if the person behind me runs into me because he can't see me? Is this how I'm going to die? I kept going, trying to steer as straight as I could. It probably lasted between 20-30 seconds, but it seemed like a lifetime. I was so glad when it was over. I got off the freeway on the next exit and filled the tank, stretched my legs and tried to calm my nerves. My heart was racing so fast, I thought it was going to burst.

So I guess the real reason why you're tuning in today is to see how my visit with my Mom went. I started writing this last night, and had some thoughts about my Mom already written, but I think I'm in a different frame of mind today, so I'm going to alter what I was going to say.

She gave me permission to say whatever I like about her, even what we talked about. I may, in time ... but not right now. I'm still processing a lot of the things we talked about.

I had really easy directions to her house, but it was dark and raining and I couldn't see very well and it took a while to find her complex. Then to find where she lived inside of there ... by the time I got to her place, I was drenched.

She opened her door and my heart melted. She was adorable. After I took my coat off, she held me for a long time. We finally sat down and started talking. At first, it was a little shaky ... both of us were a bit nervous. But then it settled down, and we talked and talked and talked. We spent the next four days talking. She has to be one of the most interesting people I've met in a long time. She has been to many places, mainly Japan, and has a lot to share about her experience. She's wise, very well thought out and she had me listening to her every word.

We went through this box of pictures she has, and she could tell me stories of so many of the pictures, so I learned so much about my family that I have never met. I only know of the Alviso side, but I learned more about her mother's side during this trip ... and it was all fascinating. I also saw a couple pictures of my great, great grandma who seemed to be a tiny little woman.

So now I have another name to add to my arsenal of names that I carry. Rutledge. Alviso. Harski. Douglass*. And my adoptive one that I go by now.

*Douglass isn't really associated with me in any real way. However, it was the name used when I was adopted, and it was legally the name I was given to identify me at the time I was adopted. That was my Mom's married name at that time.

A long time ago, I knew someone who said her family had class. When I first met them, I saw any other family in them. As I got to know them, I saw what she was talking about. That family had a way about them and it tied them together. I saw the "class" she spoke of, and it turned out she wasn't being conceited.

Well, I'm not being conceited when I say my Mom has class. She has a way about her that is not like most. She has her eccentricities, but that's what makes her HER. And I love her for each and every one of them. She is a neat person, so caring, funny and easy to love.

She asked me why it took me so long to find her. I told her I had to find the rock she was hiding under.

We took long walks around her town. Her town is in a valley, a very high valley approx. 1,700 ft elevation. I live at 10 ft above sea level. I am not used to being that high, and it was disconcerting for me. I felt out of my element. The mountains surround her little town (bigger than mine). They're so close its like you can reach out and touch them. The valley floor was about 200 ft below the summit of the nearest mountain. I felt like I was in a shallow bowl. My ear started draining the day after I got there, and is still draining. If it keeps this up, I'll have someone check it out for me. Its a little sore, but I don't have anymore equilibrium problems.

I know in one of my posts, or maybe three or four ... I wrote about having her move here. I saw where she's at, and if I lived where she does, I wouldn't want to move. I told her I won't talk about it anymore. Its just her safety net, and she told me the same thing. If I need to get away, her place is my safety net, I'm welcome anytime. Watch out Mom, I just might take you up on that.

She isn't very computer savvy, but she can still do enough to be dangerous. She may eventually blow up the world ... so watch out all. I worked on her computer a bit and customized it for her. I made a link to this blog for her, so I'm sure she's going to be wondering what I'm writing about her today, so this little shout out is for her ...


XOXOXO HI MOM !!! I LOVE YOU !!! XOXOXOXO


There ... I feel better now.

Now a little shift in topic. I feel kind of sad about something. My Dad is in Texas. He's a part of all of this, and it would have been really neat to have had him there too. I didn't realize he was so much a part of this until I was actually with my Mom. He wrote a few emails to us while I was there, and it just made it more clear that he belonged with us.

Him and my brother. I'm sure my Dad would've been there if he could. But my brother has been out of sight since my Mom came around. It's his Mom too ... and he is losing out. I did feel guilty about going and he didn't know anything about it. I tried emailing him, instant messaging him, but he wouldn't respond. So I'm putting it on him. He's the reason why he was left out. I absolve myself of all guilt. I just wish he'd come out of the woodwork. Hey Bro ... its not too late. Please. We want you to be involved. I love you.

Anyway ... enough of all of this ...

I live on the coast. The ocean usually makes the air around here too warm to snow. But today, we've had rain, snow and hail. Its friggin COLD !!! NS, how do you handle it ??? You can have it.

Now if it were real snow, I'd like it. But we don't get real snow here. We get ice that resembles snow. Our snow is crunchy. You can't make snow men out of it, much less snow balls. There is nothing endearing about what we get.

I hate getting back into reality ... but it sure is nice to be home.

The BIG DAY !!!

I'm on my way to see my Mom ...

I'll write when I get back ...

Happy Thanksgiving !!! I have a lot to be thankful for !!!

Take care everyone :-) ...

One Track Mind

I know I have been neglecting my posting, but I don't think everyone wants to hear me talk endlessly about my Mom. I don't really have anything else to talk about. I talk with her everyday, and I'm finding out everyday how much more she means to me. She is simply an amazing person.

Five more days, and I leave the peninsula and start the trek to see my Mom. I think I would be more nervous if I didn't talk to my Mom every morning and every evening, and we email each other a few times each day. I am really getting to know her pretty well. I am nervous, but I think I'm going to be more at ease when I see her. I think after a while we'll be like old friends because that's how we are on the phone already.

I wish I could express the feelings of closeness that I have for her. I love listening to her talk. With most people, I'm the talker, and I don't let anyone talk. I hate that about myself, and I wish I were different, but that's what I do. With my Mom, I let her dominate the conversation. She's such an interesting person.

So, in five days I meet her. Remember when you were a kid, and you're sitting in school watching the clock and each minute seemed like ten??? Well, each day seems like a week for me. This can't come soon enough for me, I think for her too.

When we first started talking, we thought Thanksgiving was a good time line for meeting. I didn't think we would really talk much before that time. Since we have talked quite a bit, I think we were actually ready by mid October. So its really seemed like a long time. My Mom, my Trip ... the only things on my mind lately. I just can't wait to be in the same room with her.

Enough rambling ... take care all :-)

Happy Birthday to Me :-) ...

Forty one years ago this morning, 2am to be exact, my Mom was taken to the Los Angeles County General Hospital by ambulance to give birth to me.

Everyone has a story like this to tell. They're told from the time they are little, the time leading up to running to the hospital, what it was like in the hospital, how many hours of pain the mother suffered through to give you life. I never learned the story of my birth.

I talked to my Mom today on the phone. She just popped up and started talking about it. She has a hard time remembering things, but she remembers my birth vividly.

I swear when she talks to me, it warms a part of my heart that I didn't know existed. I feel near tears everytime we talk because she is such a beautiful person. I feel we are forming a bond ... I just can't tell you how much that means to me.

I keep saying, never, in my wildest dreams did I think it would be like this. I can't say it enough. I used to think what would happen if I ever found her. Nothing that I thought up could even come close to measuring up to what its like. We have completely opened ourselves up and are emotionally embracing each other. Its a wonderful experience, and we're both in awe of the whole situation.

I feel like I have to be pinched to be waken up. This name on a piece of paper, and the paper chase I went through to find her never felt entirely real. It was just something to do, something to drive me to keep me busy. Some people collect coins, some decopage, some knit ... my hobby was searching. It was a challenge, sometimes really fun, because I found out so much information, other times it was so damn frustrating. But it was always a game to me ... If I do "this" ... hmmm, what kind of results would I get. Sometimes it was like hitting the jackpot and so exilarating. Sometimes it was so frustrating that I would stop searching for months, sometimes even a year or more.

I remember when I recieved my Non-identifying information from the LA County Bureau of Adoptions. Because it was Non-Identifying information, her name or any name for that matter was not supposed to be included. There was a form that was filled out by the hospital I was born in. It has a Birthing Summary, my apgar scores and such (9, 10) ... but in the space where her name went ... her name was typed in and whited out.

Something told me to look at the back of the paper, hold it up to light, and ta da ... there was her name. The first time I ever knew any name or anything about my birthfamily. It was my first piece of real information. There was this wave of emotion that went through me ... It was like I felt her for the very first time. I think it was that moment that catapulted me into my search for her.

We've come full circle now, we're forming a working and healthy relationship. We enjoy talking to each other, and can't seem to get enough of each other. We share tons personal information ... I believe we're going to be very close.

I want her to move here so bad. I hope I'm breaking her into the idea, it sure sounds like it to me. I would never insist upon it, it has to be entirely her idea.

She's in the hospital right now. Two days ago she had a test and that night she was admitted to the hospital. The next morning, I got an email saying that she was in the hospital and she wants me to call. Upon release, she has to wait to be picked up from a driving service in her town. How I would love it if I were close enough to stay with her while she's in the hospital. And I would love to pick her up from the hospital and bring her home. Get her comfortable when she gets home, make sure she has everything she needs.

How do I close this post? I've been thinking about a good close for about 10 minutes now ...

I think the best way to close it is this:

12 DAYS UNTIL WE MEET FACE TO FACE!!!

Woo Hoo !!!

I am so happy about the election returns !!! Its happy news that the totalitarianism state is leaving Washington !!! The Democrats are once again under control !!! I know its still up for contention in the senate, but we will win there too.

And how about donald rumsfield stepping down !!! Its about time !!!

HOWEVER, why doesn't it surprise me that bush is getting a long time family friend from Texas to take his place??? I guess we're staying in Iraq, and not talking about leaving, until bush is out of office.

If you notice that d.r. and bush are both in small case letters, that was on purpose. I have no respect for them.

I don't express my political views much ... however, I have NEVER been happy that bush is in office, and I'm one of them that has wanted d.r. to step down for a long time.

Clinton was brought forward for impeachment for MUCH less than what bush has done. The GOP needs to step up to the plate and let people know that they care about our country and get bush out of office.

I'll get off my soap box now. You probably won't hear anything else political out of me until the next elections ... maybe. Unless bush pisses me off before then.

****************************************************

My Mom had a procedure today. It was at 8:30 this morning, and I haven't heard from her. I'm worried, but what esle is new???

November ...

I happen to love November. I love the weather, how nature is transformed, and the crisp clean air.

My birthday is in November, this Friday to be exact. Not because its my birthday month, but November is my favorite time of the year. I love the fall colors, the idea of Thanksgiving looming, just everything about it.

This November happens to be my favorite. This Thanksgiving, I get to meet my birthmother for the first time ... how cool is that !!!

Happy November to all (My Mom's birthday is 6 days after mine ... November is awesome)

My Dad

This is the second post I had at my other blog. There is no reason to go back there ... I'm going to close it down in a couple weeks ... just to make sure everyone comes back.




My last post was about my Mom, this one has to be about my Dad.

I found him 6 years ago, next spring. When I told him I was his daughter, he accepted me into his heart immediately. There was never one iota of hesitation. He even told me if I wasn’t his daughter, he would be my Dad anyways … how sweet was that?

My Dad is a character. He’s funny, witty, caring and has an endearing personality. Everyone in his world must feel like the most important person in his world, because that’s how he treats everyone he loves.

Our relationship has evolved over the years, and I think we’ve come to a very comfortable place. He calls me often, and I enjoy talking to him. I love his southern accent which brings out his personality more.

I couldn’t ask for a better Dad. I feel we’ve made a connection between our hearts.
I love you, Dad ...

Hodge Podge

I only had two real posts from my other blog. I decided to close it down, I just like working with blogspot so much better. So this one is one of the posts.





I started out writing my original blog on Weight Loss Surgery (WLS). Since there wasn’t much to talk about because not much is happening with that right now, that’s where the “and More” comes in.
On Sept 20, I received an email from my birthmother. Since then, we have talked numerous times on the phone, for long periods of time. She is my mother in every sense of the word. We clicked right away, and I can’t imagine how I lived my life so long without her. She is simply an amazing person. She has been through so much hardship in her life, and she has perservered where others would not. I feel my life, my inner being, has been transformed. My heart is at peace knowing that she is alright. I am filled with emotion because she wants to be my mother.
Some would say, a little too late … not me. She relinquished me for good reason, and I understood that long before her and I met. I had already come to terms about being adopted years ago, so I don’t have any lingering resentment. As much as I welcome her into my life, she has done the same. We were both pretty hesitant to open our hearts to each other, for fear of rejection, but we have done that now. We have both spoken our desire to live fully in each others lives.
Here we are working on our second month of knowing each other, and its still so new, still so exciting for both of us. The other day we were on the phone and she was telling me a bit about her youth and indescretions, two things to be exact. So when she was done, she told me it was my turn to tell her two things about myself. She didn’t realize she was going to say that until she did, and I told her I was game. She told me she’d give me a couple days to think about it, but I was ready to play right then.
I told her of one indescretion I had when I was younger. The other thing I told her about was my sexual orientation. Her response??? “WOW … how fascinating. I never knew anyone like that before !!!” She was very accepting of it, and still is.
When I came out of the closet at 18 years old, I told all my family members. I told everyone along the way as I slowly found my birthfamily. I had no intention of keeping this from her. I felt like I could never be truly open and honest with her about whats going on in my life with this being a major part of who I am and how I live my life. I felt it would be a huge lie. I had set myself up for rejection, yet again. I expected her to hang up on me. I expected to never lay eyes on her. I was so afraid.
Here we are post announcement, and she is wonderful. I never thought I would get to the point where I would feel in my heart the true feeling of love for a mother, and now I have that. I love my Mom. She has filled something in me that I never thought would be filled.
Okay … enough of this sappiness. I’m sorry, but this is what has been happening since I went on haitus.
During the interim, I have been trying to figure out how to import my old blog here, but its not happening, so I decided to just start the blog anyways because I wanted to scream this from the rooftops.

I HAVE MOVED !!!

Not residences ... just blogs.

Please email me, and I'll tell you where my blog has moved to.

I'll be looking forward to seeing you there :-)