How obesity effects my everyday life

Some of these posts really hit home. How hard is it to share to the world (not many according to my counter) ... all my emotions and hardships when it comes to being overweight. The title to this post was hard for me to put up, but this post is how obesity effects me. I wrote this a little over a week ago now. Its actually for my doctor to let him know that my life as an obese person can be challenging at times. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't always rule my life, but it is a big part of it. (really, no pun intended).

How obesity effects my everyday life.
The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is go to the restroom. Cleaning myself afterwards has become the work of a contortionist. I find it difficult to reach.

After I take a shower, I have a big towel to dry myself off. It’s a heavy towel and it wears me out. I’m breathing heavy and sometimes I’m sweating after I’m done toweling myself off.

When I get to work, I have to turn on machines and lights. It’s a short walk, but my heart is racing and I’m breathing heavy by the time I’m half way through.

Using the restroom at work is a challenge every time. I have to climb steep stairs (at least they seem steep to me) and carrying my body up the stairs is quite a chore. My legs feel like jello afterwards.

I work at a fitness center. How hypocritical is that? I show people how to use the machines, I take their body compositions, I set up programs for them, give them advice on how to work out to achieve their goals. And I look like I need to follow my own advice. I feel some people quit their membership because how can they take advice from someone who looks like me?

There are certain cars I can’t drive because I can’t fit behind the steering wheel.

When I go to the store, I have to watch out for the floor displays in the aisles. I think I’ve cleared them until I hear them crash behind me. I have lost some feeling around my stomach and hips, and I don’t know if I am rubbing against something or not. It’s quite embarrassing to bump my hip into someone else because most of the time it’s a hard hit.

Another thing that is embarrassing is sitting in chairs with arms is a tight fit. I’ve sat down in chairs that have arms, if they have wheels, the chair has been known to slide out from behind me and I end up on the floor.

I am starting to have terrible troubles clipping my toe nails. Since I’m Diabetic, I have to be careful, but I have cut them too far down on a few occasions.

I don’t like being seen, I’m embarrassed by my weight. Most people don’t treat me as if I’m overweight, but these are the people I know, my people. Someone outside of my circle treats me like a fat slob.

When I was skinny, I could get a job during the interview. I never had to wait for a call that never came. Sometimes I would start work right then. When I looked for a job as an obese person, I was always told, we’ll call. They never did. Not only do I have obesity against me, but my back as well. I have a protruding/bulging disk in my back Obesity and back problems are a double edged sword when seeking employment.

Night times are the only times that are mine. Nothing is expected of me, I’m at home, so no one can see how fat I am. I can relax and be myself.

I have a wonderful family. I know my obesity effects them almost as much as it does me. My daughter feels it the most. She is so energetic, just like I used to be. I would love to go on hikes with her. I would love to walk on the beach with her. I would love to play soccer with her. My daughter is 12. She is a big part of my life. We enjoy spending time together. It is hard on her, I can see it so much, when she wants to take a walk or just DO something and her feelings are hurt. I’m always either too tired, or the thought turns me off. We always end up staying inside and playing a game or something because I’ve become a home body.

Wasn't I cute !!!

I was 7 years old in this picture.

The wind blown look

This was taken when I was 17 (the baby is my neice)

I was looking good !!!

I was 27 in this picture

Ewwwwwww ...

I was 37 in this picture

How Did I Get Like This???

You saw the proof. I say I was skinny, cuz I was. I used to be skin and bones. I could eat anything I wanted, how much I wanted, and still weigh the same. When I stopped growing in 6th grade, I was the same size until I was about 24. I gained some weight then, about 15 lbs, but lost it within a few months, and kept it off. that was the only time in my life that I had a weight issue.

I got pregnant when I was 27. I was small for most of my pregnancy. I heard someone say, "are you sure she's pregnant?" My 7th month of pregnancy, I woke up and I was huge, it seemed like it happened over night. I was craving milk at this time. Not just a glass here or there, but I was going through a gallon of milk a day all by myself. By the beginning of my 8th month, I was waddling and people thought I was ready to deliver at any moment.

My daughter was 2 weeks early and 11 lbs 8.6 oz. After I gave birth, I couldn't believe how big my stomach still was. The nurses kept telling me that I must have air in my stomach and to flatuate at will. There wasn't air in my stomach, it was just my stomach. I was huge when I brought my daughter home. All my clothes were way too small.

I started by taking my daughter on walks in her stroller. I took Tae Kwon Do lessons for 2 years. I swam daily, I had a gym membership and went 5 mornings a week. Nothing helped to take it off. Never in my wildest dreams (nightmares) did I think I'd be this big, and I never thought what extra weight I had wouldn't easily come off.

I was at work one day, and I made the wrong movement and threw my back out. I didn't think it was bad at first, it took about 20 minutes or so to really hit me. My boss told me to go to the office and lie down, that would help. So, like an idiot, I did. The office was down this long hallway that at that hour, no one is around. I laid down on the office floor. If I didn't have my knees bent I was in excruciating pain. As long as they were bent, I was fine. I decided it wasn't too bad and I would go back to work. So I went to get up. I was stuck, help, I've fallen and I can't get up ... that was going through my mind endlessly. I would try to sit up and the pain blinded me. Because I couldn't get up, I knew I had seriously injured my back.

I tried calling out for someone to help me, but no one was around. I waited and waited, and no one came. I then decided I had to buck it and just get up, no matter how bad it hurt. I did, and screamed out while I did it, but I made it up. I called Maria from the office. I told her to come pick me up ... NOW !!! She asked why, and all I could tell her is just do it. I walked out of the office, very slowly, because I could not walk well at all. I finally made it to my boss and told her I had to go, my back hurt.

Maria came to pick me up and I realized I had to go down 3 steps. Might as well have been the empire state building, I wasn't going to make it down those 3 steps. I went to the emergency room and they did absolutely NOTHING for me. I went home the same way I walked in, in severe pain.

About a week later, I went for physical therapy. Before I went, I was able to walk a bit, after I left, I couldn't make it down the one step it took to go to the parking lot. I decided that physical therapy wasn't going to work for me, so I quit going. I started going to a chiropractor. It helped, but it was slow going. He wasn't someone you went in, got an adjustment and left. He did massage with this ben gay smelling stuff, which felt sooo good.

I was using a walker for about the first 9 months after my injury. Doing everyday things hurt like hell. Pulling up my pants, trying to take my pants down. Tying my shoes. Sitting down, standing up. Walking, standing, sitting, laying down. It all was excruciating.

I started to swim about a year after my injury. It helped quite a bit. I had been using a cane for a while by that point, and I was using it less around the house. Just to sit down and stand up.

After about 2 years after my injury I returned to work. Not because I was better, because bills had to be paid. Work made my back worse. I would come home from work and cry. I would sit down in my chair, and getting up to walk again was very painful.

After a couple more years, and begging from my doctor, I started back to the gym. It was hard to do and I couldn't keep it up. It hurt so bad. My doctor finally ordered and MRI for my back and it was concluded that I had a herniated disk.

I quit my job because it was slowly killing (crippling?) me. I started working at the gym that I had been going to. It wasn't supposed to be a permanent position, but it became just that. I learned how to strengthen my back and I'm feeling much MUCH better about it. It still bothers me sometimes, but its so minor by comparison.

Also at the time I started at the gym, I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. It was my time to become proactive about my health and weight. I started exercising harder and more often. I changed my eating habits, got my blood glucose levels under control. I had one doctor tell me that it was like I wasn't Diabetic because of my glucose level. That made me feel good. I was energetic, feeling good and feeling like I was in the best shape I had been in in years.

Cardio was my buddy. I would be on the ellipitical, to the treadmill, the low rider, the glider ... I would alternate between all of them as I got tired on the one I was one. I would keep this up for an hour or two. I loved it. I worked the machines too. Nothing could stop me now. I was losing weight ... I had gone down two pant sizes.

One day I got on the treadmill and my heart started to race after just two minutes. It felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. I stopped what I was doing and tried it again later. My heart started to race again. So I tried it the next day. My heart would race. It got to the point that I was scared to go on the treadmill, or any cardio machine for that matter.

I talked to my doctor, and he put me on a beta blocker. It worked. For two weeks. I postponed going back to my doctor for a few months. When I did and he referred me to a cardiologist, about 6 months passed by. I hadn't been exercising the whole time. I wanted to see what the cardiologist would say about the possibility of a heart attack. The appt was scheduled for the next month, so that was 7 mos I wasn't exercising. The cardiologist put me on a stronger beta blocker and sent me on my merry way. It didn't work either. So I started going through test after test. I asked him if I could exercise while waiting to find out what was wrong, and he said it might be best that I wait considering I'm not monitored.

Well, it took about a year and a half to be diagnosed. The medication they have me on works sometimes, other times I feel like my heart is coming through my chest.

By the time I was diagnosed, I had given up on ever exercising again, and I stopped eating right. All the weight I had lost came back on, and then some. Right now, I am the heaviest I've ever been. I have a BMI of 42.9 and a body fat percentage of 51.1%. Thats over half my body weight, sad.

My back is acting up again, just sometimes, because I haven't been exercising. So I will go and do that one exercise just to keep my back strong. I'm still having problems on the treadmill, so I'm riding the recumbant bike. I just started working out again. My blood glucose is out of control. I have a whole laundry list of problems stemming from my weight and Diabetes.

My insurance company says for good faith, I have to lose 5% of my weight. Which is abut 13 lbs, and keep it off for 6 months before I can be approved for surgery. I have just started eating right again in the last day or two. I don't feel any lighter. However, I just want to get the ball rolling for when I see the doctor, because the 13 lbs doesn't count unless its documented.

I've had a couple people say "oh" when I tell them I'm preparing to have the surgery. I feel like they feel I'm taking the easy way out. I even had someone ask why I don't wire my jaw shut instead. OMG !!! GBS or WLS are not easy choices, or easy ventures. Once I have the surgery, my life will change, forever. I will only be able to eat 3 oz of food at a sitting. Do you know how much that is. Hold out your hand. Circle your palm ... that is about 3 oz. Not only that, have you ever tried to chew your food until its pureed, without swallowing little bits here and there. For the rest of my life, that's how I am to chew. How many have taken a bit, and wanted to wash it down with milk or something? I won't be able to do that either. Not only that, because I will be eating less, I will have to take more vitamins to get my nutrition level. I will probably drink three protein shakes a day to keep my protein levels up.

This is a lifelong decision that is not an easy one to make. Its not going to be an easy one to live with either. But I'm ready for it. Not just for me. For my daughter and Maria too. Our lives circle around what I can and can not do.

To answer the title of this post, I believe I wasn't able to lose the weight because of what happened to my back and then what happened with my heart.

Convincing my Doctor

Since my appointment is on the 5th, I needed to prepare my speel for him. I don't want him to think that I just came up with GBS out of the blue. I don't want him to think that I believe I'm taking the easy way out, because from what I understand, there is nothing easy about GBS, or the decision.

I typed out a few ramblings that I printed out for him. Over the course of the next week, I'm going to post these ramblings. I found after writing about one subject, that you're going to need to clarify much more.

So I wrote about Apprehension. I wrote about How Obesity Effects My Life. I wrote what about What My Life Would Be Like With Surgery, and I wrote about What My Life Would Be Like Without Surgery. My Story is about what I was like before I gained all this weight and why it got so out of control. Pros, Cons and Risks tells my doctor that I'm going into this with my eyes wide open. I am also posting the criteria that have to be met in order to have the surgery.

I will also provide my doctor with the bylaws from my insurance company regarding GBS, and of course, I have a long list of questions for him.

I guess I'll post them in the order that I put them in my dossier for my doctor. I am going to edit a bit of the first one, because there are personal issues I don't want shared with the internet.

Oh yeah. I tried posting pictures last night, showing before and after pics of me. But this time, before will be me when I was skinny and after will be me now. Next time I post before and after pics, they will represent before surgery and after surgery.

My first post

This is a journal of my road to having GBS (gastric bypass surgery)

As a child, I was skinny. I was skinny until I was 28 years old. I got pregnant at 27, but I didn't start to show until my 7th month, when I ballooned out to the point people thought I was having twins. I gained all my weight in the 8th month and had my daughter 2 weeks early, she weighed 11 lbs 9 oz. Significant weight. What I wasn't told, that large babies have a potential to make mothers have Diabetes later.

I figured since I was so skinny earlier in life, that I would have no problem losing my pregnancy weight. Boy was I wrong !!! I joined the pool, tae kwon do, the local gym, nothing helped.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. I had no idea how to take care of Diabetes, so I did my homework and became proactive. I exercised everyday, sometimes up to two hours a day, watched what I ate, controlled my blood glucose and I was losing weight. I lost 40 lbs in about 6 months time. It was awesome, I was on a roll too, my weight was just starting to pour off of me.

One day, I got on the treadmill and something unexpected happened. My heartrate was 175 bpm almost immediately. My heart rate would normally stay around 115 or so, good fat burning zone. I got off the treadmill, waited for a while, got back on, same thing, accelerated heart rate. I thought it was a fluke. So I waited until the next day, got back on the treadmill and my heart raced again. My heart started to race during everyday situations, even in rest mode.

So I went to my dr, then cardiologist, eventually had an angiogram. Good news, my heart is of healthy size, no plaque on my arteries. Its my sinoatrial node and until I get my weight under control, my heart will continue to race (or that is my theory).

It was a long process from my first drs appt to the angiogram (about a year). During that time, I couldn't exercise, I was afraid to. Eventually, my old eating habits resurfaced. Yup, gained all my weight back, and more.

I have been kicking around the idea in the back recesses of my brain regarding GBS, but it always seemed to me to be a last resort type thing. Or maybe a "never" thing. Who knows. All I know is when a good friend of mine mentioned she was considering it, it became alright for me to really ponder it. Both of us started wildly researching GBS and we were sharing information back and forth.

So its a positive for me, I'm going to do it. I have told my loved ones in my household about what I am planning and I have total support. My friend is going to arm herself with all the information and then come forward with it to her family.

That is where I'm at now. I have a dr appt on Sept. 5th and I'm going to hit my GP up with the news. I have a portfolio of all I've found out so far to hand him to show him I've been doing my homework and this is not a knee jerk reaction. He has to get the ball rolling for me, with my insurance company and the processes I will have to go through.

This blog will be my way of cataloging everything that I am going through. Emotionally, physically, whatever.

Sit back, grab a water bottle and watch out for my roller coaster ride back to the skinny person I once was.