E ... one of my siblings

My Mom had six kids. Three of which were put up for adoption and the other three she raised. They have their own lives, and don't keep in contact with my Mom. I can not imagine why anyone would choose to not keep in touch with this sweet woman. One of them, the youngest, I'll call E, just got in touch with her. My Mom wants E and me to get to know each other but has not yet told her kids about us. So this is probably going to be a really sticky situation. Anyway, this post isn't about all of this, but it builds the foundation of what I want to talk about. I think I want to have this as a topic because I need to work it out in my own mind.

I don't think there is any doubt in anyones mind how I feel about my Mom. Right now, I feel like I have her to myself. I love that about our relationship. I am enjoying the time we spend together, almost on a daily basis, getting to know each other. The more I learn about her, the more I love her. She is such a strong person and as I told her, I want to be her when I grow up.

I have known about the three children she had and kept for about 10 years now. During my search, I never really thought about talking with them. I'm not sure if I really had an interest in talking with them. Which is strange, because my brother that was put up for adoption, I absolutely adore him. I feel a bond with him that I'm not sure I'll feel with the other ones.

I think if E joins in our duo it will change the dynamics of our relationship. It doesn't bother me that my Mom talks with Elizabeth by herself, I just don't want to be involved with that. At least that's how I feel now, I don't know how I'll feel in a couple months, or a year down the road. I want to be selfish and have my Mom to myself for the time being. I don't think that is too much to wish for considering I had to wait 41 years for this.

I told my Mom that I can't stop her from telling E, that its completely up to her to tell her. But I can't guarantee that I'm ready to talk with her yet. She says it won't be immediately, she's got to work up to it. So, not only do I have to think about my feelings about talking to E, I have this anticipation from waiting thing going on too.

I can say I'm a bit nervous about it. I am envious that she got to grow up with my Mom. I am envious that she knows my Mom better than I could ever hope to know her. I feel like I'd be an infidel next to E, a second class citizen. Of course, these are only my feelings, and I have no idea how E will accept or treat me. My Mom says that E would love me.

I just don't feel ready to be introduced to her. I can't say "meet" because she lives on the other side of the country from us. I can't really describe my feelings about it because I can't put my finger on it.

What it DOES say to me is this: I have heard many instances where adoptees find their birthmother and the birthmother wants the adoptee to remain a secret because she never got around to telling her kids, much less her husband, about this secret child. My Mom seems to want to tell everyone about me. She is proud of me, and doesn't want to hide me. That in itself is enough for me.

Why am I so resistant to this? I have talked to many of my birth relatives without any hesitation. Why is she different than the others in my family? Why do I think E poses a threat to the wellbeing of my relationship with my Mom? Anyone have any clues, please chime in.

I know it means a lot to my Mom that I have a relationship with E. I know realistically that there really isn't any basis for my fears and reservations ... nonetheless, they're present. I would like to make my Mom happy and jump in with enthusiasm, but I can't betray my feelings like that. I think that would be a recipe for disaster.

Now explain this to me...

My Mom told me that she was scared to tell E, which I don't blame her. She's been holding onto some pretty important stuff here. When she told me she was scared to tell her, I instantly felt the need to help her and offer to contact E and tell her myself. I didn't offer, but I was amazed that I actually felt like helping considering how resistant I am to any contact with her.

Anyone have any advice, I'm open to suggestions. This is really plaguing me.

PLEASE NOTE: I think this is obvious, but I want to state this just in case there is any doubt in anyones mind. I searched for my Mom for almost 22 years, I found out a lot about her during that time. I have processed all the information that I have learned over the years, and I have never EVER held any resentment towards my Mom. Please don't read this post and come up with the conclusion of resentment, because I just don't have any. I have always held my Mom in the highest regard.


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In other news ... Nick and Annie and the babies are moving to Germany on January 1, for four years. We are sad to see them go, but excited for them in their new venture. We are hoping that Nick doesn't get mobilized to Iraq. That is our greatest fear. If he doesn't, the move to Germany will be a great experience.

Maria and her Mom will be going to Texas to say goodbye this week. I will be running the gym by myself, so I may not post at all from the 14th through the 19th.

When they get back from Germany, baby A will be in first grade and baby D will be in kindergarten. We are going to miss out on so much of their babyness.

Baby A

Baby B

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My Dad has a daughter, K, who just married, and heres a picture of the newlyweds.