Apologies and Tough Love
I actually wrote this post a couple weeks ago, but it stands the test of time. More to come ...
I'm so sorry I haven't been writing. I think about it sometimes, and when it comes down to the actual writing I tell myself I'll do it tomorrow. Well, I guess today is tomorrow because here I am writing. Many apologies ...
Okay ... now the tough love part. This will probably be long. I am going to reference a few different people. A couple of the people are a long-time friend of mine (of 29 years!!!) and her son. The other one is my daughter, and the last one is a person unknown. I am going to hide the identity of my friend and call her J and her son K. My daughter will be referred to as L.
J has been having many problems with K. He has been skipping school, his grades have dropped and he's come home high. I'm not going to go into the extent of everything he's done, just explain that she has been going through a lot with him. He has been mouthy, saying he doesn't care about his grades, that he shouldn't get into trouble for everything because he's going to keep doing it, and everyone needs to just live with it. This has been going on for a while, so she started to contact the courts to see what she can do about him. There was a hearing in front of a judge and the boy was told to live up to his mothers demands because all these things can happen to you. A few include removal from the home. At this point J is more than willing to let K go to juvie or a foster/group home just so J, her other son and husband don't lose their sanity.
I agree with those consequences. K has had control of the household for too long, and has been putting J into an early grave. No, not really ... J has always been strong. But something like this can break a person. She was not going to give into K's ways and demands and I'm proud of her for that. She was not just waving those consequences in his face, she was ready to follow through on sending him to juvie or the foster/group home, and I don't blame her. That's what tough love is about.
K has been straightening his act out. He's going to school, doing his homework and behaving. J feels like she has her son back ... but she's treading lightly. She's ready for the next round.
Okay ... part two of Tough Love.
DISCLAIMER: This is totally hypothetical. This is NOT going on. Its just a topic that J and I have been talking about lately. Its on my mind, and although I have talked briefly to L about it, I think its time that I finish this talk with her.
Like I've said in an earlier post, L is almost 13. She's a good kid, very responsible. A lot of girls her age come home pregnant. Ewwwww ... I said the P word !!! We live in a very small, very remote community. There isn't much for kids to do around here, and teenage pregnancy is a pandemic around here. It goes in spurts, some years you can see about 10 girls pregnant and some years you only see one or two. BUT, there is always a pregnant teenager here.
Remember, this is hypothetical.
My daughter comes home and says she's pregnant.
My first reaction? I don't know, it hasn't happened yet (remember, this is hypothetical). But I'm sure there is some shock, surprise (aren't they about the same thing?) and definately disappointment.
What am I going to do?
J says she will not raise the child, maybe babysit once in a while, but not raise the child. She will not give money to help with the expenses, nor will let them live with her. She has educated her boys on girls, condoms, pregnancy. She goes on to state the hardship of a pregnant teen/teen mother/father. She says if you can't afford to buy a highchair, carseat, crib, you shouldn't be having children anyways. She really did make a lot of valid points in her argument, and I understand completely where she's coming from.
This is an excerpt from her side:
"a teenage pregnancy can lead to a lifetime of hardship and resentment. I have seen first hand what happens. And sadly the majority split, even before the baby is born. Being young they don't have much schooling and have a minimum paying job, babies are expensive and that is just the healthy one's starting from pre-natal on. God forbid thereis a health problem. Most low paying jobs have high out of pocket costs for insurance and many keep their hours just below the level needed for benefits. And when the one leaves the other is doing the bulk of the caring, while the other has freedom. And if the baby is colicky, you just kicked up the level of difficulty a 100 times. And let's not forget how easy it is to get pregnant a second or third time."
(No bad comments if her views do not match hers ... she has a right to her opinion)
I stated her side, so I can show you my side of the argument.
My stance is so completely opposite of hers. Because there are hardships anytime someone has a baby, especially teenagers, is why I believe its better to be there for the teen. And I will be there for mine if she pops up pregnant.
I think because education pretty much comes to a halt once the baby is born is why I need to be there to care for the baby. L will need to continue school and hopefully go to college so she can provide for her growing child. As long as L is doing what she needs to do, I will be there 100%. I will not be there if all she's going to do is go out to be with her friends. She needs to continue to prepare herself to become a good provider for her child and future children. Once she has a child, all her rules change. She will no longer have a social life. Her social life will be her child. I will not make her work if she's going to school. During the school year will be school and baby and during the summer will be work and baby. So I'm not offering my daughter a free ride. I'm offering her a chance to be able to make it.
I'm sure there will be bumps in the road, but if we work together, we would be able to accomplish our goals.
My daughter is a good kid, very responsible. I hope IF she became pregnant, she'd continue to show the responsibility she shows as a 12 almost 13 year old.
Soooooo ...
Tough love?
In J's case with her son. Yes. Tough love is the way to go. I firmly agree.
In my daughter's case. Yes. Tough love is the way to go. But a different kind.
J said something else that I like. Its been said many times, you've all heard it before, but it needs to be said again.
I'm so sorry I haven't been writing. I think about it sometimes, and when it comes down to the actual writing I tell myself I'll do it tomorrow. Well, I guess today is tomorrow because here I am writing. Many apologies ...
Okay ... now the tough love part. This will probably be long. I am going to reference a few different people. A couple of the people are a long-time friend of mine (of 29 years!!!) and her son. The other one is my daughter, and the last one is a person unknown. I am going to hide the identity of my friend and call her J and her son K. My daughter will be referred to as L.
J has been having many problems with K. He has been skipping school, his grades have dropped and he's come home high. I'm not going to go into the extent of everything he's done, just explain that she has been going through a lot with him. He has been mouthy, saying he doesn't care about his grades, that he shouldn't get into trouble for everything because he's going to keep doing it, and everyone needs to just live with it. This has been going on for a while, so she started to contact the courts to see what she can do about him. There was a hearing in front of a judge and the boy was told to live up to his mothers demands because all these things can happen to you. A few include removal from the home. At this point J is more than willing to let K go to juvie or a foster/group home just so J, her other son and husband don't lose their sanity.
I agree with those consequences. K has had control of the household for too long, and has been putting J into an early grave. No, not really ... J has always been strong. But something like this can break a person. She was not going to give into K's ways and demands and I'm proud of her for that. She was not just waving those consequences in his face, she was ready to follow through on sending him to juvie or the foster/group home, and I don't blame her. That's what tough love is about.
K has been straightening his act out. He's going to school, doing his homework and behaving. J feels like she has her son back ... but she's treading lightly. She's ready for the next round.
Okay ... part two of Tough Love.
DISCLAIMER: This is totally hypothetical. This is NOT going on. Its just a topic that J and I have been talking about lately. Its on my mind, and although I have talked briefly to L about it, I think its time that I finish this talk with her.
Like I've said in an earlier post, L is almost 13. She's a good kid, very responsible. A lot of girls her age come home pregnant. Ewwwww ... I said the P word !!! We live in a very small, very remote community. There isn't much for kids to do around here, and teenage pregnancy is a pandemic around here. It goes in spurts, some years you can see about 10 girls pregnant and some years you only see one or two. BUT, there is always a pregnant teenager here.
Remember, this is hypothetical.
My daughter comes home and says she's pregnant.
My first reaction? I don't know, it hasn't happened yet (remember, this is hypothetical). But I'm sure there is some shock, surprise (aren't they about the same thing?) and definately disappointment.
What am I going to do?
J says she will not raise the child, maybe babysit once in a while, but not raise the child. She will not give money to help with the expenses, nor will let them live with her. She has educated her boys on girls, condoms, pregnancy. She goes on to state the hardship of a pregnant teen/teen mother/father. She says if you can't afford to buy a highchair, carseat, crib, you shouldn't be having children anyways. She really did make a lot of valid points in her argument, and I understand completely where she's coming from.
This is an excerpt from her side:
"a teenage pregnancy can lead to a lifetime of hardship and resentment. I have seen first hand what happens. And sadly the majority split, even before the baby is born. Being young they don't have much schooling and have a minimum paying job, babies are expensive and that is just the healthy one's starting from pre-natal on. God forbid thereis a health problem. Most low paying jobs have high out of pocket costs for insurance and many keep their hours just below the level needed for benefits. And when the one leaves the other is doing the bulk of the caring, while the other has freedom. And if the baby is colicky, you just kicked up the level of difficulty a 100 times. And let's not forget how easy it is to get pregnant a second or third time."
(No bad comments if her views do not match hers ... she has a right to her opinion)
I stated her side, so I can show you my side of the argument.
My stance is so completely opposite of hers. Because there are hardships anytime someone has a baby, especially teenagers, is why I believe its better to be there for the teen. And I will be there for mine if she pops up pregnant.
I think because education pretty much comes to a halt once the baby is born is why I need to be there to care for the baby. L will need to continue school and hopefully go to college so she can provide for her growing child. As long as L is doing what she needs to do, I will be there 100%. I will not be there if all she's going to do is go out to be with her friends. She needs to continue to prepare herself to become a good provider for her child and future children. Once she has a child, all her rules change. She will no longer have a social life. Her social life will be her child. I will not make her work if she's going to school. During the school year will be school and baby and during the summer will be work and baby. So I'm not offering my daughter a free ride. I'm offering her a chance to be able to make it.
I'm sure there will be bumps in the road, but if we work together, we would be able to accomplish our goals.
My daughter is a good kid, very responsible. I hope IF she became pregnant, she'd continue to show the responsibility she shows as a 12 almost 13 year old.
Soooooo ...
Tough love?
In J's case with her son. Yes. Tough love is the way to go. I firmly agree.
In my daughter's case. Yes. Tough love is the way to go. But a different kind.
J said something else that I like. Its been said many times, you've all heard it before, but it needs to be said again.
"It is easy to become a parent. It takes great care to be a good Mom or Dad."
posted by Melissa at 12:00 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home